YO CHECK THE NEW E TOWN! One of the sickest bands of all time make their long awaited return with this STRAIGHT BANGER, and not a minute too soon. You see, being a complete faggot is like heroin in the hardcore community. Many know better and stay away, but those who dare to take the risk become unrelenting junkies of gayness. There’s been somewhat of an influx lately, with bands like La Dispute and Touche Amore wearing sonic youth t-shirts and flailing around the stage as though more than fifteen people are paying attention. Lucky we can rely on the concrete to trudge through the rivers of semen to inject some much needed rap rock REALNESS into this dying (of AIDS) scene. LET’S GO.

I was actually at this show and can confirm that this intro was just as cringey/funny in real life, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about how Nu Metal is the ch(ill)est genre of them all, and how unity is not made through artistic integrity, but lack thereof. I’m constantly being berated by people with ‘good taste’ who take music ‘srsly’ about how I should grow up, explore music and “stop listening to Adema”, all whilst regurgitating hackneyed spiel about artists who play “with passion” and how music was better in a decade they experienced from ages 2-12. Olde Metal brahs are obsessed with the notion that everything that doesn’t have a zillion notes and a disgusting neck beard is “for poseurs”. Indie fggts sway to the contrary opinion that even if you are a completely terrible musician it’s acceptable to mask the fact with dumb recycled aesthetics. Don’t even get me started on fans of electronic music, who seem to think there’s something commendable about not even having music in your song. Now, I don’t judge, but I do have a hard time getting behind the mentality in liking this stuff. I’ve literally never been rockin’ out on some shit and thought “OH MAN THIS IS SO TASTEFUL”. It’s pretty short sighted to think that forcing yourself to listen to something boring is going to benefit you intellectually and it’s straight stupid to believe that anyone is going to think any better of you for wasting your time on doing so.

Nu Metal, on the other hand, brings the goods. No Fronts, No Tricks. Gets you right in the nucleus accumbens with no gay “soul searching” necessary. It’s instant, pure and so completely devoid of self awareness that it could only be made those who are so busy having fun that they become ignorant of their own social context. In other words, ALL THE PEOPLE THAT DON’T GIVE A FUCK! ”Hey man, did you read that article on pitchfork about the transgressive nature of noise music?” LOL NO I WAS CRUSHIN’ IT TO ‘LIFE IS PEACHY’. ABSENT OF FUCK.

lol @ olde metal dorks not realising 90% of this could be a Korn song.

FUCK THIS! Don’t you hate it when bands try to shake off their (admittedly embarrassing) roots only to make further fools of themselves? Like when hardcore bands buy a delay pedal and try to become deep like the sea. I can’t think of a single time in history where this has worked, except for maybe when Pantera dropped the glam rock and got sick as shit, but that doesn’t count cause seriously who the fuck still listens to ‘Metal Magic’? Furthermore, Papa Roach really let the scene down with this turd, and to add insult to injury, it’s practically the same song as their timeless classic ‘Last Resort’, only really gay. Gettin’ some strong sunset strip vibes, but mixed with a modern day bro rock edge? All waistcoats and leather jackets. Gross. The only redeeming factor is the part when the girls face explodes, which feels like a nod to their past (Nu Metal videos are rife with b-grade special effects). All in all, there’s still a seriously sour taste in my mouth, watching my former idols sell their souls, and for what? Who is buying Papa Roach records in 2011? Who is buying Papa Roach records after 2001? I’m sorry, Mr. Dick, but i’ma stay nasty.

How Nu do you like your Metal? Spineshank is on some hard futuristic shit. Fuckin’ Burning Chrome. They sent this video back in time to kill Sarah Conner show humanity the error of it’s ways and how they can still save themselves through the combination of rap and rock. The synopsis, as far as my antiquated brain can deduce, is that for some reason, in the future, scientists are hot women and want to experiment on the effect of Nu Metal bands as a source of power for robots, which seems like a beneficial use of the advanced technology accumulated from centuries of human invention that the future has to offer. Presumably the cure for cancer has been discovered by this point and science has taken to the search for the cure for bad taste? Bands like this usually want to be referred to as ‘Industrial’, as though that somehow lends itself to credibility (it doesn’t, srs)? The truth of the matter is they’re jockin’ some tired-as-shit 90’s rave vibes that only child molesters get down with. Adamski called, he wants his drum loop back, Solitary Bro. 

Sergio Tacchini? IS DIS NIGGA 4 REAL?

Ill Nino is a perfect example of Mexi-Nu Metal, a movement largely responsible for the globalisation of Nu Metal through appealing to the burgeoning ‘non white trash’ demographic in rock music. Now I know what you’re thinking, but Nu Metal wasn’t always an equal opportunity experience. In the 90’s, KoRn was too viscerally Caucasian for ethnics, and while Cypress Hill toyed with rock riffs, their concerts were largely attended by black people, which as you know is white people kryptonite. It wasn’t really until Max Cavalera dropped the poseur ‘real’ metal and world music of Sepultura and formed Soulfly, perhaps the quintessential Mexi-Nu Metal band, that the scene really started to flourish, leading way for all types of crazy foreigners from countries previously unheard of in mainland America to enrich Nu Metals fertile grounds with some exotic flavour. Hell, they even gave a bunch of Eastern Europeans a shot, and that worked out pretty well. Now, while Ill Nino is by no means a part of the first wave of Mexi-Nu Metal (FWOMNM), I think they are prolly the most representative, culling all the most obvious stereotypes and tastelessly flaunting them, oblivious to ridicule. Yes, Ill Nino were proud of their heritage. One of them is playing THE FUCKING BONGOS, for christs sake. Elsewhere in the video, there’s a story about some kids that I didn’t pay attention to, and a guitarist bro givin’ some love for the oritental/spice girls scene by rockin’ a high kick in literally every single shot he’s in. Never too cool to forget their roots (bloody roots).